The Neurotic Writer and The Paranormal Novel

Welcome to another episode of The Neurotic Writer

(Just for Laughs!)

Suzie Writer enters therapist’s office wearing a floor-length, shimmering white gown split up the side to the thigh. A ruby pendant the size of a goose egg dangles from a silver chain hanging down to her abundant cleavage (which wasn't there last week). She tosses the long, fake tresses from her black Elvira wig over her shoulder, and then attempts to waltz into the room on four-inch red stilettos, waving a lit incense stick around like a wand.

Therapist: (Tries not to appear shocked.) “This is a new look, Suzie.”

Suzie Writer: “Call me Zelda, Queen of the Other Realm.” (She twirls into a chair and lands with a whoosh of air escaping the stuffing.)

Therapist: “Okay, Zelda. What’s up with the…costume?”

Suzie Writer: (She blows on the incense stick and the spicy aroma fills the air.) “I’m getting in touch with my character for my paranormal novel. You know, instead of method acting, it’s method writing. I’m Z-E-L-D-A, Queen―”

Therapist: (Coughs on the smoke.) “I heard you the first time. You really need to put that incense out before the fire marshal shows up.”

Suzie Writer: (Points at her own eyes with two fingers.) “I’ll put a hex on him. I’m reading up on dark curses and I’ve watched The Mists of Avalon twenty-five times now. I bet I can control any man with my eyes―and a word or two. Of course, I might have to carry bat’s blood in my purse.” (An evil smile reaches her eyes - shaded with teal-colored contacts.)

Therapist: “Now you’re just scaring me. Can I speak to Suzie? Is she in there somewhere?”

Suzie Writer: “Suzie is being held captive by The Drones…”

Therapist: “Aren’t Drones a type of bee?”

Suzie Writer: (Summons her deepest, most frightening witch voice.) “Bees that serve their queen. In my novel, The Drones are hunky, bare-chested men who serve me: ZELDA! Queen―”

Therapist: “Come back to earth, Suzie. I can’t talk to you when you sound like Pamela Anderson on steroids.”

Suzie Therapist: (Drops the witch voice.) “Ah, shucks! You’re no fun, Doc. I’ll see you again when the rough draft is done.” (She blows on the incense once more for good measure and exits twirling her gown.)





Next week, The Neurotic Writer dates a werewolf.
Until then,
Happy Writing,
Tina LaVon