The Neurotic Writer Sees No Evil

The Neurotic Writer Sees No Evil

(The Neurotic Writer is a comic strip for writers)

Suzie Writer: (Enters the therapist's office with hands

stretched out to feel her way)

"Good morning, Doc."

Therapist: (Jaw open, silently watching)

Suzie Writer: "You there, Doc?"

(Opens and shuts one eye quickly)

Therapist: "Let me guess. You're writing about a blind

heroine and want to experience the world

as she would in order to portray her accurately."

Suzie Writer: "You finally understand me! Ouch!

When did you move the chair?"

Therapist: "I didn't."

Suzie Writer: (Eases onto overstuffed cushion)

"Finally! Being blind is tough."

Therapist: "Imagine what its like for people who can't cheat.

How long have you been immersed in your role?"

Suzie Writer: "What time is it?"

Therapist: "Five minutes after two."

Suzie Writer: "Five minutes."

Therapist: "How are you planning to get home?"

Suzie Writer: "The usual way; in a car."

Therapist: "I hope you aren't planning to drive blind."

Suzie Writer: "Of course not. On the way home I'm

going to immerse myself in the role of

the heroine's sister."

Therapist: "Oh?"

Suzie Writer: "She's deaf."

The Neurotic Writer Has No Words

The Neurotic Writer Has No Words
(The Neurotic Writer is a comic strip for writers.)

Therapist: “Good morning, Suzie. How are you today?”

Suzie Writer: (Drops chin to chest.)

Therapist: “That bad huh? What happened?”

Suzie Writer: (Shrugs)

Therapist: “Did you date another…research project for one of your romance stories?”

Suzie Writer: (Nods)

Therapist: “I gather it didn’t go well.”

Suzie Writer: (Shakes head no)

Therapist: “What happened?”

Suzie Writer: (Pinches lips with fingers and shakes head again)

Therapist: “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened.”

Suzie Writer: (Pinches lips again, then places palms out and moves them around as if a wall blocked her view of the therapist)

Therapist: “Do you have a cold?”

Suzie Writer: (Shakes her head no)

Therapist: “Suzie, do have laryngitis?”

Suzie Writer: (Shakes her head no)

Therapist: “Suzie, if you don’t start talking, I’m going to raise your rates.”

Suzie Writer: “The guy was a mime!”

Therapist: “Oh.” (Straightens her dress in her lap) “I can see how that might have been frustrating.”

The Neurotic Writer Drives a Taxi

The Neurotic Writer Drives a Taxi

Therapist: “Suzie, your wrist is bandaged. What happened?”

Suzie Writer: “Nothing much. I hit it in a taxi.”

Therapist: “Crazy taxi drivers.”

Suzie Writer: “I was driving the taxi. Yes, I was researching another book. My heroine takes over her uncle’s business when he runs off to the rain forest with a female mud wrestler. I got the idea from my cousin Jewels. She drives a taxi and she just happened to be going out of town for the week, so I drove for her.”

Therapist: “I didn’t know you had a commercial driver’s license.”

Suzie Writer: “A what?”

Therapist: “You can’t just drive a taxi without proper authorization. Your cousin must know that.”

Suzie Writer: “Well, she didn’t exactly know I was driving her taxi. She was gone. I was watching her house. The key was on the hook. I got the idea to write the book and one thing led to another. I guess it’s a good thing you can’t squeal on me.”

Therapist: “Yeah…I guess it’s a good thing. I gather you drove her taxi into a wall or something. You have your wrist wrapped.”

Suzie Writer: “No, I didn’t. You don’t have much faith in me, doc. As a matter of fact, I was a great driver. I rehearsed a chase scene and no one got hurt. Unless you count the Scottsdale socialite who threw up her lunch in her lap. Those rich women drive me nuts. They tell you to get to the airport yesterday and then they scream and yell when you step on the gas. I was only going a hundred and no one was one the sidewalk.”

Therapist: “So how did you hurt her wrist?”

Suzie Writer: “I told the Scottsdale babe her shoes didn’t match her handbag and she swung it at me. And to top it off, she didn’t even get a tip. What a snob.”

The Neurotic Writers's New Years Resolutions

The Neurotic Writer’s
New Years Resolutions


Just for Laughs
Although Tina LaVon may do a few of these.

Read astrological chart daily and follow its advice.
Make a list of agents with compatible astrological signs to pitch to in 2010.
Write daily.
Never send a submission when Mercury is in Retrograde.
Find a place to write which has positive energy.
Write daily.
Retreat in Sedona where you can brainstorm novel in a vortex.
Carry crystals in bra to keep them close to the heart.
Write daily.
Wear bracelet with lucky charms to ward off evil.
Create writing warm-up rituals to start each session.
Write goals and keep them under the pillow



And….Write Daily!

Did you write any resolutions?


The Neurotic Writer wishes you a wonderful 2010!

Until next week,
Happy Writing!
Tina LaVon

You Know You're a Neurotic Writer When...

The Neurotic Writer Shares Her Wisdom

(Just for Laughs)

After reading several episodes of The Neurotic Writer,

some of her fans are concerned about heir own mental health.

Are you worried that you may have become a neurotic writer?

How can you tell?

You know you’ve become a neurotic writer when:


You’re afraid to tell your date you had a “lovely time” because lovely is an –ly word.

You question everyone about critique partners, making sure yours is doing her job correctly.

You check the weather channel twelve times a day because you’re afraid your manuscript might be delayed due to a sudden snowstorm in August. It doesn’t matter that your manuscript was never requested in the first place.

You query your agents based on horoscope compatibility with both you and your target editor.

Your biggest fear is every editor/agent at the conference will slip you a rejection letter under the bathroom stall.

When you have a great idea you’re afraid to tell anyone because you know Nora Roberts is tuned in to the Universe and will somehow get your idea, write the book in three hours, and have it in the stores tomorrow.

You’re convinced the agent turned you down because you sent another agent in the same NY zip code the manuscript last month. In your fantasy, they have become friends and are laughing at you over their cocktails at lunch. (You never know. They could be.)

You are certain every writing organization has a checklist of who is allowed to be published and who isn't based on your picture in your high school yearbook.

If you just realized you are indeed a neurotic writer, congratulations! And welcome to the club. Glad to have you. Don’t worry; although your neurosis is incurable, it is harmless, and you’ll be a lot more fun at parties.


Until next week,
Happy Writing!
Tina LaVon

The Neurotic Writer Dates a Fireman

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

Suzie Writer: Plops down on the couch. “What a week! I don’t ever remember going through so much trouble to date a man for research before.”

Therapist: “Who was it this week? An architect, politician, lion tamer?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I’m going to keep those in mind. This week I dated a fireman. My book is set in Montana and this lonely fireman falls for the new stripper in town. He has to see beyond her lack of morals and she has to see beyond the horrible scars he received saving a three-legged kitten from a blazing tree.”

Therapist: “Sounds like an interesting story.”

Suzie Writer: “I got the idea when I accidentally set the popcorn in the microwave for ten minutes. It was incinerated! The smoke detectors woke me up from my nap. Before I could take the earplugs out, the fire department was busting down my door. That’s when I met Hank. Boy does he look hot with an axe in his hand. Much better than Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Of course, my door will never be the same.”

Therapist: “I’m concerned that you were in such a deep sleep so soon. Tell me, Suzie, had you taken any drugs?”

Suzie Writer: “Just the usual. We can talk about that later. I want to talk about Hank now. I don’t know how that man can put out fires when he sets me ablaze with just one look. Two minutes with him and I was a forest fire totally out of control. I wanted to―”

Therapist: “I get it. You were hot. I’m assuming you asked him out after he made kindling out of your door.”

Suzie Writer: “I tried, but he was all business. Imagine that. So…I had to come up with a way to get him back. A way of convincing him he was more man than firefighter.”

Therapist: “Tell me you did not intentionally set a fire.”

Suzie Writer: “Of course not. I did consider it for a moment, but even I know how dangerous that can be. Instead, I put my head between the bars of my staircase. My version of ‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’ ”

Therapist: “And they bought it?”

Suzie Writer: “Well, by the time they got to the condo I was really stuck. I put on my sexiest bikini. The one with the little back and white polka dots. Then I gently pushed my head through the posts. Unfortunately, the moment I finished calling 911, I dropped my cell phone down a step.”

Therapist: “Dialing a fictitious 911 call places other people at great risk of losing their lives.”

Suzie Writer: “Like I said, by the time they got there I was really stuck! I twisted to reach for the phone and I couldn’t move. I had wedged my shoulders between the bars. To make matters worse I now had a wedgie I couldn’t fix. And believe me, my cottage cheese rear is not going to entice a man into bed.”

Therapist: “So you didn’t get your man this time after all.”

Suzie Writer: Chuckles. “You know me better than that. Turns out the hunky fireman wants to be a cover model. After all that work I went to capture his attention, I discovered all I needed to do was tell him I write romance novels.”

Therapist: “How did he find out? Did you hand him a copy of your book while you were stuck between the bars of the stairs?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I should have. I needed a less dangerous excuse to see him again so I dropped by the station and gave him a signed copy of my book as a thank you gesture. Later that night, I came home and he was leaning against my door. He wanted to convince me that he would be a great cover model for my fireman story. We spent all night trying out various poses, with and without his suit. Boy does that man have pecs! Of course, I never told him I have no input on the covers. Didn’t want to spoil his fantasy-and mine.”

Therapist: “Are you still dating him?”

Suzie Writer: “No. I decided he was too pretty. I can’t date a guy better looking than me. He’ll get all the attention when we walk into a room. I like to make a grand entrance with all eyes on me.”

Therapist: “I understand. Maybe we can explore those feelings a bit more.”

Suzie Writer: “Not today, Doc. I finished that book. I have to come up with a new conflict, new hero…a new man. Whom should I date next? Any ideas?”