You Know You're a Neurotic Writer When...

The Neurotic Writer Shares Her Wisdom

(Just for Laughs)

After reading several episodes of The Neurotic Writer,

some of her fans are concerned about heir own mental health.

Are you worried that you may have become a neurotic writer?

How can you tell?

You know you’ve become a neurotic writer when:


You’re afraid to tell your date you had a “lovely time” because lovely is an –ly word.

You question everyone about critique partners, making sure yours is doing her job correctly.

You check the weather channel twelve times a day because you’re afraid your manuscript might be delayed due to a sudden snowstorm in August. It doesn’t matter that your manuscript was never requested in the first place.

You query your agents based on horoscope compatibility with both you and your target editor.

Your biggest fear is every editor/agent at the conference will slip you a rejection letter under the bathroom stall.

When you have a great idea you’re afraid to tell anyone because you know Nora Roberts is tuned in to the Universe and will somehow get your idea, write the book in three hours, and have it in the stores tomorrow.

You’re convinced the agent turned you down because you sent another agent in the same NY zip code the manuscript last month. In your fantasy, they have become friends and are laughing at you over their cocktails at lunch. (You never know. They could be.)

You are certain every writing organization has a checklist of who is allowed to be published and who isn't based on your picture in your high school yearbook.

If you just realized you are indeed a neurotic writer, congratulations! And welcome to the club. Glad to have you. Don’t worry; although your neurosis is incurable, it is harmless, and you’ll be a lot more fun at parties.


Until next week,
Happy Writing!
Tina LaVon

The Neurotic Writer Dates a Fireman

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

Suzie Writer: Plops down on the couch. “What a week! I don’t ever remember going through so much trouble to date a man for research before.”

Therapist: “Who was it this week? An architect, politician, lion tamer?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I’m going to keep those in mind. This week I dated a fireman. My book is set in Montana and this lonely fireman falls for the new stripper in town. He has to see beyond her lack of morals and she has to see beyond the horrible scars he received saving a three-legged kitten from a blazing tree.”

Therapist: “Sounds like an interesting story.”

Suzie Writer: “I got the idea when I accidentally set the popcorn in the microwave for ten minutes. It was incinerated! The smoke detectors woke me up from my nap. Before I could take the earplugs out, the fire department was busting down my door. That’s when I met Hank. Boy does he look hot with an axe in his hand. Much better than Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Of course, my door will never be the same.”

Therapist: “I’m concerned that you were in such a deep sleep so soon. Tell me, Suzie, had you taken any drugs?”

Suzie Writer: “Just the usual. We can talk about that later. I want to talk about Hank now. I don’t know how that man can put out fires when he sets me ablaze with just one look. Two minutes with him and I was a forest fire totally out of control. I wanted to―”

Therapist: “I get it. You were hot. I’m assuming you asked him out after he made kindling out of your door.”

Suzie Writer: “I tried, but he was all business. Imagine that. So…I had to come up with a way to get him back. A way of convincing him he was more man than firefighter.”

Therapist: “Tell me you did not intentionally set a fire.”

Suzie Writer: “Of course not. I did consider it for a moment, but even I know how dangerous that can be. Instead, I put my head between the bars of my staircase. My version of ‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’ ”

Therapist: “And they bought it?”

Suzie Writer: “Well, by the time they got to the condo I was really stuck. I put on my sexiest bikini. The one with the little back and white polka dots. Then I gently pushed my head through the posts. Unfortunately, the moment I finished calling 911, I dropped my cell phone down a step.”

Therapist: “Dialing a fictitious 911 call places other people at great risk of losing their lives.”

Suzie Writer: “Like I said, by the time they got there I was really stuck! I twisted to reach for the phone and I couldn’t move. I had wedged my shoulders between the bars. To make matters worse I now had a wedgie I couldn’t fix. And believe me, my cottage cheese rear is not going to entice a man into bed.”

Therapist: “So you didn’t get your man this time after all.”

Suzie Writer: Chuckles. “You know me better than that. Turns out the hunky fireman wants to be a cover model. After all that work I went to capture his attention, I discovered all I needed to do was tell him I write romance novels.”

Therapist: “How did he find out? Did you hand him a copy of your book while you were stuck between the bars of the stairs?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I should have. I needed a less dangerous excuse to see him again so I dropped by the station and gave him a signed copy of my book as a thank you gesture. Later that night, I came home and he was leaning against my door. He wanted to convince me that he would be a great cover model for my fireman story. We spent all night trying out various poses, with and without his suit. Boy does that man have pecs! Of course, I never told him I have no input on the covers. Didn’t want to spoil his fantasy-and mine.”

Therapist: “Are you still dating him?”

Suzie Writer: “No. I decided he was too pretty. I can’t date a guy better looking than me. He’ll get all the attention when we walk into a room. I like to make a grand entrance with all eyes on me.”

Therapist: “I understand. Maybe we can explore those feelings a bit more.”

Suzie Writer: “Not today, Doc. I finished that book. I have to come up with a new conflict, new hero…a new man. Whom should I date next? Any ideas?”

The Neurotic Writer's Last Date with the Computer Geek

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

Therapist: “I have to admit, last week when we spoke about your first date with the computer analyst I didn’t know what a blog was. This week, I did my own research. Now that I know Twitter is another social networking site like Facebook and Myspace, I am prepared for our discussion.”

Suzie Writer: “Well, I wish I had known it was a social networking site. After he improved my blog and said he was going to tweak my Twitter and make it sing, I thought it was a metaphor for his ability in bed.”

Therapist: “I gather it didn’t go well.”

Suzie Writer: “Of all the wonderful, brilliant men in the world, I had to pick the wrong one. (Grimaces) Let’s just say, when you talk dirty with a computer geek, make sure you know how to convert the standard units of measure in his language into inches before you end up in an embarrassing situation. I'm sure I sighed with disappointment at the wrong moment. I was expecting the top of the line, fully equiped desktop version of geek and ended up unwrapping the mini notebook instead.”

Therapist: “I’m afraid to ask what you did at that particular moment.”

Suzie Writer: “Well, it was too late to pack him up and ask for the new and improved model, so I tried to work with the product I was given.”

Therapist: “How did that go?”

Suzie Writer: “I think we both know size wouldn’t have mattered, if he had known what to do with his hard drive. Unfortunately, it was a complete systems failure that left me feeling as if I needed one of those Computers for Dummies books. He couldn't find my ON switch. I lost interest in his.”

Therapist: (Studies Suzie’s face for a moment.) “If it was such a disappointment, why are you smiling? I even think you’re glowing.”

Suzie Writer: “Turns out Mr. Brilliant lives next door to Mr. Hunky Biker Dude. This fine specimen of muscle on top of muscle once did time, but he’s changed his ways and now helps save troubled kids at the community center.”

Therapist: “You might want to proceed with caution if he did time.”

Suzie Writer: “Too late. Ever been on the back of a Harley with a biker between your legs, Doc? That’s a whole lot of power between your thighs. (Shudders) The motorcycle wasn’t too bad either.”

Therapist: “I assume he will be the hero of your next novel.”

Suzie Writer: “Life is research. Every man ends up in one of my books. The question becomes, will be the hero, the best friend, the villain or the comic relief?”



Until next week,
Happy Writing!
Tina LaVon