The Neurotic Writer Dates a Fireman

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

Suzie Writer: Plops down on the couch. “What a week! I don’t ever remember going through so much trouble to date a man for research before.”

Therapist: “Who was it this week? An architect, politician, lion tamer?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I’m going to keep those in mind. This week I dated a fireman. My book is set in Montana and this lonely fireman falls for the new stripper in town. He has to see beyond her lack of morals and she has to see beyond the horrible scars he received saving a three-legged kitten from a blazing tree.”

Therapist: “Sounds like an interesting story.”

Suzie Writer: “I got the idea when I accidentally set the popcorn in the microwave for ten minutes. It was incinerated! The smoke detectors woke me up from my nap. Before I could take the earplugs out, the fire department was busting down my door. That’s when I met Hank. Boy does he look hot with an axe in his hand. Much better than Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Of course, my door will never be the same.”

Therapist: “I’m concerned that you were in such a deep sleep so soon. Tell me, Suzie, had you taken any drugs?”

Suzie Writer: “Just the usual. We can talk about that later. I want to talk about Hank now. I don’t know how that man can put out fires when he sets me ablaze with just one look. Two minutes with him and I was a forest fire totally out of control. I wanted to―”

Therapist: “I get it. You were hot. I’m assuming you asked him out after he made kindling out of your door.”

Suzie Writer: “I tried, but he was all business. Imagine that. So…I had to come up with a way to get him back. A way of convincing him he was more man than firefighter.”

Therapist: “Tell me you did not intentionally set a fire.”

Suzie Writer: “Of course not. I did consider it for a moment, but even I know how dangerous that can be. Instead, I put my head between the bars of my staircase. My version of ‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’ ”

Therapist: “And they bought it?”

Suzie Writer: “Well, by the time they got to the condo I was really stuck. I put on my sexiest bikini. The one with the little back and white polka dots. Then I gently pushed my head through the posts. Unfortunately, the moment I finished calling 911, I dropped my cell phone down a step.”

Therapist: “Dialing a fictitious 911 call places other people at great risk of losing their lives.”

Suzie Writer: “Like I said, by the time they got there I was really stuck! I twisted to reach for the phone and I couldn’t move. I had wedged my shoulders between the bars. To make matters worse I now had a wedgie I couldn’t fix. And believe me, my cottage cheese rear is not going to entice a man into bed.”

Therapist: “So you didn’t get your man this time after all.”

Suzie Writer: Chuckles. “You know me better than that. Turns out the hunky fireman wants to be a cover model. After all that work I went to capture his attention, I discovered all I needed to do was tell him I write romance novels.”

Therapist: “How did he find out? Did you hand him a copy of your book while you were stuck between the bars of the stairs?”

Suzie Writer: “No, but I should have. I needed a less dangerous excuse to see him again so I dropped by the station and gave him a signed copy of my book as a thank you gesture. Later that night, I came home and he was leaning against my door. He wanted to convince me that he would be a great cover model for my fireman story. We spent all night trying out various poses, with and without his suit. Boy does that man have pecs! Of course, I never told him I have no input on the covers. Didn’t want to spoil his fantasy-and mine.”

Therapist: “Are you still dating him?”

Suzie Writer: “No. I decided he was too pretty. I can’t date a guy better looking than me. He’ll get all the attention when we walk into a room. I like to make a grand entrance with all eyes on me.”

Therapist: “I understand. Maybe we can explore those feelings a bit more.”

Suzie Writer: “Not today, Doc. I finished that book. I have to come up with a new conflict, new hero…a new man. Whom should I date next? Any ideas?”