The Neurotic Writer Becomes an Agent

The Neurotic Writer Becomes an Agent

(Just For Fun)

Therapist: “Good morning, Suzie. How are you today?”

Suzie Writer: (Plops down on a chair) “Awesome! I had the best idea ever! I am going to become an agent.”

Therapist: “And give up writing? What brought this on?”

Suzie Writer: “I just received my 400th rejection. After screaming, yelling, drinking a bottle of cheap wine, and eating a whole box of Ding Dongs, I decided I want the power to say yes or no to writers. And I’ll say yes to everyone!”

Therapist: “Everyone!”

Suzie Writer: “Yep everyone! Since I obviously know what the big publishers don’t want, by the process of elimination I can figure out what they do want. And….if I can’t sell a book to the big boys, I can sell it to my Cousin Martha’s new ebook publishing company. She’s jumping on that bandwagon.”

Therapist: “I thought Martha was a school bus driver.”

Suzie Writer: “She is, but she knows how to use the Internet. She’s been sending emails for years.”

Therapist: “You’re serious about this?”

Suzie Writer: “Of course I am. I have bills to pay. Which reminds me, I am going to use the airline’s brilliant idea of nickel and diming everyone. I am going to charge my clients a dollar per email – each way. Plus, $50 for copying each book two times, additional copies will cost another $50. I will also charge $100 for each editor I query on their behalf. I’ll have my electricity back on in no time.”

Therapist: “I thought your writing friends warned against agents who charge fees.”

Suzie Writer: “They do, but not all writers are members of Romance Writers of America and know they can get reputable agents who don’t charge fees.”

Therapist: “So you’re going to take advantage of unsuspecting writers?”

Suzie Writer: “Well….if you put that way I guess this wasn’t such a good idea after all.”

Therapist: “You can still become an agent; just learn how to do it well.”

Suzie Writer: “I said I wanted to make money. I guess I’ll go back to writing books. I wonder if Nora Roberts needs a new critique partner.”