The Neurotic Writer Meets the Old West

Welcome to another episode of
The Neurotic Writer
(Just for laughs)

(Suzie Writer enters the therapist’s office, wearing a blue floral sundress, and limping. Bruises cover her arms and legs. Red indentions mark both sides of her nose.)


Therapist: “Let me guess. You wrote a western.”

Suzie Writer: “How could you tell? I burned my jeans and fringed top.”

Therapist: (Waving the air.) “You brought the pasture in with you.”

Suzie Writer: “But I scrubbed for hours. I don’t get it. Does that smell permeate your skin?”

Therapist: (Points to her purse) “By any chance did your two hundred dollar designer bag meet a cow pie up close and personal?”

Suzie Writer: “Crud! I forgot. I dropped my purse when Butch chased me through the corral.”

Therapist: “I gather Butch is the cowboy who inspired this western romance. Did he not want to take no for an answer?”

Suzie Writer: “Butch is the bull. The cowboy didn’t want to take YES for an answer. Can you believe he turned me down when I suggested we do some research for my love scene. He had the nerve to say I was moving too fast! That’s when I opened the gate and let the bull out.”

Therapist: “At least you got away safely.”

Suzie Writer: “No thanks to the red shirt I was wearing. No one told me red would send Butch into a tailspin. I wish cowboys were that easy to ignite. No one also told me that pastures are swarming with flies and mosquitoes. I have a million bruises from swatting them away.”

Therapist: (Points to Suzie’s face) “And the nose?”

Suzie Writer: “Clothespin marks. It was the only thing that would keep the smell out.” (Shakes her head) “I don’t understand why anyone would write a western. It was a horrible experience! I was expecting a romantic adventure and instead I found out why the west died: men who can’t figure out a good thing when it’s lying down naked in front of them!”

Therapist: “I thought you were in jeans and a top in a corral, next to a bull, when he said no.”

Suzie Writer: “I gave him a second chance. The cowboy, not the bull. I tell you, no man says no to me twice and gets a third chance. This ship has sailed! His goose is cooked! His-“

Therapist: (Smirking.) “I get the clichés. So what’s next? A swashbuckling pirate in the Caribbean? I’ve never heard of a pirate turning down a naked woman. I bet you can find a few of those on the set at Universal Studios.”

Suzie Writer: (Looks out the window and spots a tall, handsome man in jeans, boots, and a long-sleeved white shirt, climbing out of a BMW) “I do believe westerns have just made a comeback.” (She pulls her wallet out of her purse and tosses the bag into the therapist’s flowerpot.) “Our time’s up, Doc. I just found me an urban cowboy! City boys are less likely to confuse morals with a good time.” (She runs out the door.)