Monday, January 7, 2008

The Neurotic Writer's New Years Resolutions

Therapist: Suzie, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen you. How was your holiday?

Suzie Writer: Wonderful! I cooked an awesome twenty-pound turkey for my family. We ate, joked, drank, and ate some more.

Therapist: Sounds like you had a relaxing, enjoyable day.

Suzie Writer: Sure did! I was having so much fun, I let the family stay an extra hour before I kicked them all out to write. This year, I even let Uncle George back inside to get his car keys. Last year I made him call a cab and wait on the front lawn. I warned everyone they had to leave by three. I read on the loops that you have to write every day and set boundaries so no one keeps you from your work. Even children cannot interfere unless they’re bleeding a gusher or running around with their clothes set on fire.

Therapist: Did you ever think the person who wrote that message on the Internet loop was exaggerating?

Suzie Writer: Oh, no. No pain, no gain.

Therapist: That applies to exercise, not to the safety of children.

Suzie Writer: Let’s talk about me. I wrote my New Years resolutions. 1. I will write thirty pages every day. I heard Nora writes a chapter a day. That’s the secret to her success. 2. My first published book will hit #1 on the New York Times list.

Therapist: Do you think it’s wise to set a goal you have no control over?

Suzie Writer: What are you talking about? I can turn myself into a New York Times Writer. I’m visualizing and using the power of positive thinking.

Therapist: What happens if you don’t make the list this year?

Suzie Writer: (Extends her palm in the “Talk to the hand” position.) Now, I’m visualizing you and Nora at my book signing. You’re fighting over who gets the first copy. I would let Nora have it. I’ve heard her speeches on tape. She sounds like she could hold her own in a brawl. Reminds me of my sister.

Therapist: (Resisting the urge to roll her eyes) Well, I’m visualizing the clock and I’m positive our time is up.


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