Monday, December 10, 2007
Happy Holidays from the Neurotic Writer
Therapist: Good morning, Suzie.
Suzie Writer: Can we make this fast? I have a million things to do.
Therapist: If that’s what you want, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. The holidays are very stressful.
Suzie Writer: You’re telling me. It took me hours to come up with just the right gift for all of the editors and agents I’ve been targeting.
Therapist: Oh? (Looking fearful) What did you finally choose?
Suzie Writer: Well, my story is about a cowgirl vampire who saves Christmas, so I painted bloody fangs on 500 Santa Clause ornaments.
Therapist: You what?
Suzie Writer: It wasn’t easy. It took me all day to paint them. When I was done, I lined all 500 on my condo windowsills to air dry. The homeowners association fined me $50 for an inappropriate holiday display. Can you believe that?
Therapist: Do you understand why they might consider your ornaments inappropriate?
Suzie Writer: Enough about them. Let’s focus on me. I want to leave early because I have to slip my bookmark into every Christmas stocking for sale in every store between Phoenix and Tucson. (Holds up bookmark with picture of cowgirl vampire sinking her teeth into Santa, along with the title, Bite Me Big Boy, and the caption, Coming to a Store Near You – One Day!) Promotion! Promotion! Promotion!
Therapist: Suzie, parents don’t usually check the stockings for bookmarks. Children will see these and become quite upset. The sight of Santa being attacked will traumatize them.
Suzie Writer: (Rolls her eyes and releases exasperated breath.) Has anyone ever told you, you’re a glass-half-empty kind of person?
Posted by Tina Swayzee McCright at 6:07 PM